So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
