ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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