he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
