I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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