it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.