Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.