Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
