haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
