So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
