I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Houston, we have a blender
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
