they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
