i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
