You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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