um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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