u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
