its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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