I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
