so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
