Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
