wanna go halves on a baby?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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