i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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