At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
