I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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