Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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