Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
