I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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