mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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