I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
