I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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