My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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