Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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