Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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