Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
