You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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