Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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