I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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