He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
