you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
