You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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