Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Congratulations! We have a period
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