i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
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mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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