So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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