I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found puke in my bra..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
