you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
