I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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