it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Someone shattered a urinal.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
