On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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