Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
