Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
