We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
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She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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