i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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