i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
