You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
