i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
