Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
