Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
