Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
