im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
